Just a rant, a repeatedbeattodeathwhatdoesitmatterwhatIactuallythink rant

So I was not always a calm, level headed person. Even now I tend to freak out a bit. Join the military, perm my hair, scream and yell and cry into my pillow like it was my mortal enemy... you get the picture.

I have felt generally at ease. I like my life in California. Been there for a little over a year, I have a good job, supportive, loving group of friends, a boyfriend that is thoughtful and caring, I live in a safe and beautiful neighborhood just blocks from the beach. I really have nothing to complain about.

That's why I can take my family in stride when I return for the holidays.

Don't get me wrong! My family is a family to be envious of. I always had a warm bed, meal and arms to come home to, my parents provided me with what I intend to provide for my children or not have children at all with. Nonetheless, the members of your family are the few people in your life that you can not fire, shun, break up with or divorce... bottom line, your stuck with em'.

Learn to love it.

I do love it, I couldn't live with out my parents and my siblings but what frustrates me is how much we love each other but don't actually love each other. We are the root and causes of our worst attributes as people. As a family we laugh together comfortably, we can be ourselves; joke, touch, converse like we can with no other group of people and because of this I will selfishly just acknowledge but not try to change why this has lead to all of us having attributes that are socially unacceptable and undesirable.

Just as an hypothetical example of how I/we tolerate family vs. friends... I have 2 roommates 4 days ago roommate A is raving to roommate B and I about a movie they had watched via Netflix. Early today I ask roommate A to borrow the movie (we will call them RA and RB, respectively), they oblige and lend it to me to watch that night. As I am holding the movie in my hand explaining to a friend on the phone how excited I am to watch it, describing the plot, characters, etc... RB walks in the room and casually says

RB: "I think that's actually a movie that came to me via Netflix".

ME: "Ummmm, but RA lent it to me, can I give it to you when I'm done? I was just about to watch it."

RB: "No, it's mine and I want to watch it now".

What would you do in this situation? If that was an actual roommate what would you have said? Now, what if it was a sibling?

How would you feel?

Angry? Hurt that they knowingly took something from you that they knew you were going to enjoy?

Now picture that this was a relative and that this was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to the dynamics of your relationship.

Its not the movie but rather the unconscious motive behind why they would be so spiteful. It's the deep rooted anger that wears at the fibers of what one hopes would be the strongest bond one may have...aka your family. Its the ability of someone to hate you that deeply, someone that you can never fire, shun, break up with or divorce. Someone that can never see the errors or their own ways because they are so adamant that they are the victim even when the hate and anger are obvious to everyone around them.

I am not saying that a movie is what makes someone angry, depressed and unbearable to the people around them. What I am saying is that our everyday reactions, actions and motives are what make us who we are - they are reflections as to how we have absorbed the world that has developed around us.

When we see the world as an angry, dark place that is the person you will become, bottom line. However, when you recognize the anger and the darkness but can still relish the good and the light that is what makes you bear the people you have to love even if they are constantly stumbling around in the dark and kicking you in the process.